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Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page
This page is for all the lies Buglers can think up. Keep the misinformation at 2-5 sentences, but if you want to create a new page to expand upon your lie in more detail, go ahead, by all means. Other than that, there are no rules (considering the fact that John is allergic to them in more than small portions). 'GO TO THE TALK PAGE FOR INFORMATION ON "FEAURED LIES" ELECTIONS!' History In episode 41, a viewer wrote in to the Bugle, informing the hosts that he had expanded their Wikipedia page. Included in the e-mail was a call to arms for all Buglers to go to the Wikipedia page and add to it. Andy responded enthusiastically to the e-mail, telling all listeners to go to the page and add one lie; no facts allowed. Obviously this clashed with Wikipedia's strict moderation policy. In response to this, the Bugle Wiki was created, a place where fans could come and lie all they want. A short-lived feature on the Wikipedia page was the Misinformation section, where fans posted many semi-factual lies before Wikipedia moderators removed the section. In memoriam of that section, we recreate it on a larger scale here. The Lies Themselves * John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are not the funniest podcasters on the Internet. They are the funniest podcasters in the world. *John Oliver suffers from Jewfro Envy, while Andy Zaltzman suffers from Foreskin Envy. *When Andy Zaltzman appeared on stage during John Oliver's first television special, 7,342 televisions across the globe spontaneous combusted in a shower of very hot and profound sparks. *Andy Zaltzman taught Chuck Norris how to roundhouse kick. *Andy Zaltzman has lent his name to an elaborate chess gambit involving sacrificing a rook and bishop in exchange for 2 pawns and a packet of crisps. *John Oliver liked Su Doku before it became popular and now thinks the game has 'sold out'. *In New York 'The Bugle' is slag for the feeling of annoyance one has when he or she witnesses a pigeon or other small city bird not wearing a wig of outlandish style. 'To Bugle' has become the action of sculpting these bird wigs and 'Bugleing' the term for New York citizens in the action of trying to administer these hairpieces to the flight using population. * The Bugle is based on a format devised by former football and Serbian Celebrity Big Brother winner Sa‰a åurãiç. It was on the pilot episode of The Bugle that åurãiç claimed, 'He would not sign for another football club, not even if he was offered 15 million dollars. However, it would be different if they were to instead offer him 15 different women from all around the world. He would tell the club chairman: 'Please let me make these women happy - I will satisfy them like they have never been satisfied before'. * I'll just come right out and say it: Have you ever seen John Oliver and Nelson Mandela in the same place at the same time? I think you catch my drift * Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver were the only men ever to share the honorific of "Sexiest Man Alive" as bestowed by the RSFTPACORSITHM (Royal Society for the Proliferation And Certification of Relative Sexiness in the Human Male) until they accidentally tore the traditional trophy in twain during an argument over which Atlantic coast should serve as mantelpiece for the Bugle virtual household. * Andy Zaltzman was a founding member of English pop band the Housemartins. Zaltzman and the group parted ways in 1986 just prior to the band's pre-Christmas number one, Caravan of Love. Although Zaltzman refuses to discuss the split, fans maintain that his contribution of mime was under-appreciated by the band and fans, who often mistook his passionate solos for the gaps between album tracks. * If you were to liquefy the bugle then heat it up over a Bunsen burner for an extended period of time, you will have made crack. I hope you’re proud of yourself, you disgust me. * Although a widely known fact that John Oliver was born in Birmingham, it is not so well known that he is actually made entirely of chocolate and was brought to life with the helpful magic of a singing and dancing cricket named 'Jiminy'. * For episodes 39-42, Andy has claimed to be in Edinburgh for a comedy festival... yet what kind of festival lasts 3+ weeks? It's obvious that Andy Zaltzman is in fact an assumed name of American swimmer Michael Phelps. Phelps could never decide whether he wanted to be a gold-medallist Olympic swimmer or political satirist comedian, so he decided to take on an identity for each. Congratulations on the medal record, Andy! * The kind of festival that goes on for slightly more than 3 weeks is the Edinburgh festival. However, if you regularly listen to the Bugle, there's really no need to go and see Andy Zaltzman at The Stand (2:40) as a lot of his material has appeared in the podcast. Congratulations on the testicle, Andy! * It is becoming more apparent that John only resorts to satire to cover his tourettes. Without his constant derision of the current American political situation he would be found shouting 'Kiss Kiss my Dolly' to all and sundry in much the same way he was before he was found and mentored by Andy. * It is a well known fact John Oliver’s stubble can light matches, and sing "The Banana King" in Spanish. * John Oliver has recently confessed to being part of the conspiracy to present the moon as real rather than a large tarpaulin held aloft by helium balloons and propelled by malnourished pigeons * In episode 38 John Oliver promised all listeners of the podcast a unicorn, if they sent in a picture of themselves and he judged them "decent". Needless to say this was a lie. Why he lied nobody knows. Some believe it was some form of anti-Semitism directed towards Andy's ankle although this is just an accusation and can not be certified. * John Oliver likes the Queen's butt and he cannot lie. * The Bugle has never been recorded live from the London Zoo due to the fact that Andy Zaltzman has a mortal fear of both artificial jungle environments and meerkats. * John Oliver is a trained matador but only practices the sport in Rhode Island. Alas, Rhode Island is surprisingly bull-free. * Contrary to what we have been led to believe, John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are not British comedians. John Oliver is actually a giant talking cuckoo clock and Andy Zaltzman is the reanimated corpse of former Vice President Spiro T. Agnew in a clown wig. * Since the launch of the podcast Bugling has become the most popular leisure activity in the UK. In school playgrounds all over the country young children have been crazed by Buglemania and spend every free minute squabbling over whose turn it is to be Andy or John. * Usian Bolt was listening to the Bugle whilst winning the 2008 100m Olympic final. * Rumours persist that Andy's lost bin has become the leader of a terroristic impala organisation determined to overthrow Zaltzman from the Bugle and become John Oliver's new co-Bugler. * John Oliver's first foray into show business was his starring role as the baby in Jim Henson's Labyrinth. The experience left him with heavy psychological scarring and Mr Oliver was eventually forced to leave Britain by Andy Zaltzman's penchant for bursting through the window of his flat at night wearing a Tina Turner wig and singing 'Dance. Magic Dance!' while juggling his crystal balls. * Brigadier Andy Zaltzman first came to international attention when he attended the final of the Swansea scrabble tournament. Commentators described his spectating style as a "laid back, intelligent style of watching" and he was particularly praised for not losing his cool when the umpire allowed the word "Jaffa Cake" to stand despite the collection of letters blatantly violating every rule in the book and the regrettable role of the popular snack in the future death by choking of his long lost brother Gareth Zaltzman. Gareth Zaltzman would eventually meet Andy the day before the tragic events where two madmen distracted him with a plate of Jaffa Cakes before shoving skittles down his throat until the twitching stopped. * The show was almost ended in February 2006 when Andy and John had a argument over a cock meat sandwich. They attempted to end the show and part different ways but when they presented this to The Times they discovered that the original contracts they signed when they started the show legally binds their friendship and made either of them leaving the show impossible. But to this day it's been said you can heard the resentment in both Andy and John's voices * William Howard Taft, the dead president, is a big fan of the Bugle, and has it played endlessly in his grave, though he resents its implication that he has no balls. * As an infant, Andy went through a difficult phase where he insisted that he was the former Pasha of Tripoli and Turkish privateer Turgut Reis, and subsequently attempted a one man invasion of the Mediterranean island of Malta after learning it had abandoned the British Empire in 1964. * Although a widely known fact that John Oliver was born in Birmingham, it is not so well known that he is actually born in Birmingham, Alabama. * John Oliver is secretly John Dawlish, Ex Auror of the Ministry of Magic who was famous for getting owned by Albus Dumbledore, Augusta Longbottom (Neville Longbottom's grandmother), and pretty much anyone with a wand. Andy on the other hand is probably a muggle who gets regular Memory Charms when the still punch drunk Dawlish forgets that not everyone needs to know about his pet Krup, Twitchy. * John Oliver is not a real person, but in fact a character who has been perpetuated by a string of British comedians. When the reigning John Oliver grows so rich or disillusioned that he wants to retire, he calls his protégé into his office and shares his most closely-guarded secret: "I am not John Oliver," he says. "My name is Bruce; I inherited the podcast from the previous John Oliver, just as you will inherit it from me. The man I inherited it from is not the real John Oliver either. His name was Geoffrey. The real John Oliver has been retired fifteen years and is living like a king in Patagonia." * John Oliver is the 2012 Olympic opening ceremony. * A Zaltzman-Oliver manifold is a manifold with SU(n) holonomy. Equivalently, it is a Cleese manifold with a vanishing first Milligan class. That is, a manifold is Zaltzman-Oliver if and only if it admits a Cleese metric, g , the Cook tensor of which is a total derivative. By analogy of SU(n) < U(n) with SO(n) < O(n) , one can think of a Zaltzman-Oliver manifold as a complex oriented Cleese manifold. * Andy Zaltzman and John Oliver were both members of short-lived indie band It’s A Boy! (playing drums and lead guitar respectively), along with singer Mark Johnson and bassist John Smith. Their debut single “I Like To Dance (With You)” was released on independent record label Young and Lost Club; however it failed to sell out its limited press of 500. The band decided to call it a day with a chaotic live show at Camden venue The Enterprise, during which Zaltzman set fire to his drum kit before throwing it into the sell-out crowd. The fate of Johnson and Smith is unknown. *John Oliver has a core temperature of 372°C (701.6 °F) * Andy Zaltzman has a hymen, though he refuses to admit it *John Oliver has not exploded in 9.7 minutes *John Oliver has cabin fever, see muppet treasure island * Andy Zaltzman eats a kumquat before every bugle * John Oliver, is a leprechaun who regularly consumes HGH, and this has partially mutated him into a volcano * John Oliver is currently thinking about penguins * Zaltzman won the prestigious 2007 TICA cat of the year award under his one-time stage name Purrsession Frosty the Snowman. * According to The Bugle's 1916 Official Road Guide a trip from the Atlantic to the Pacific on the Lincoln Highway was "something of a sporting proposition" and might take 20 to 30 days. The guide offered this sage advice: "Don't wear new shoes." * Andy Zaltzman eats the same thing for breakfast every morning, a bowl of Bill & Ted's Excellent Cereal. He started buying it in bulk when he became hooked on it in the late 80's, and consumes it despite its obviously ancient expiration date. It's just that tasty. * John Oliver once auditioned to be a back up dancer for MC Hammer, but he declined the resulting job offer because of an allergic reaction to the required spandex outfit. * The legendary Zaltzman-Oliver clan fued (1878-1891) was begun by Randolph "Ole Ran'l" Zaltzman and William Anderson "Devil Anse" Oliver along the Tug Fork River in Birmingham. The feud claimed more than a dozen members of the two families, becoming headline news around the country and compelling the governors of both Liverpool and West Virginia to call up their state militias to restore order after the disappearance of dozens of bounty hunters sent to calm the conflict. Peace was announced by playing a bugle across the valley. It is in honor of this peace-announcing bugle that the descendents of the original feud created The Bugle audio newspaper. * John Oliver is well adapted for digging, with short but powerful limbs and curved, thick claws. Unlike Zaltzman and other sciurids, Oliver's spine is curved, more like that of a mole, and the tail is comparably shorter as well – only about one-fourth of body length. * Andy Zaltzman is famed among comedians for having six fingers on his left hand. This condition, known as polydactylism, can be traced to his ancestor Sir Felix Zaltzman, father of Anne Boleyn. * The Bugle, who's title comes from Isaiah 21:8, is known worldwide as the major publication distributed by Jehovah's Witnesses in their door-to-door ministry. *John Oliver found the Triforce in The Legend of Zelda, Ocarina of Time. * The very existence of the bugle is only the result of an elaborate wager between Oliver & Zaltzman, where the last person left on gets not only the heart of the white hot symbol of love & passion that is Florence Nightingale, but also the last slice of pizza ever to be blessed by pope Jean Paul II (that’s toppings are considered by most gastro-sociological analysts to be that of the modern Hawaiian style). Neither item has been deemed safe for human consumption. *"John Oliver" is Sanskrit for "Audio Cryptic Crossword". * In March 2008 The Bugle became the first podcast to feature live open-heart surgery * Andy Zaltzman is running for President in 2008, ignoring the fact that one has to be an American in order to do so. At the same time John Oliver is desperately trying to become Queen. * Cherie Blaire is really John Oliver in drag. Give it up John. It's not a good look and you’re not fooling anyone that Cherie is a real woman. * Had John Oliver been alive, he would have assassinated Hitler at the 1936 Berlin Olympics with a poison tipped javelin, thus preventing the Holocaust and World War II. Needless to say, there's blood on your hands Mr. and Mrs. Oliver, for not birthing John in sufficient time. *Andy Zaltzman has been a regular scorer on Test Match Special since Bill Frindall's decision after the Third Ashes Test Match in 2005 to join Columbian guerrilla movement FARC. *Bill Gates, famous multibillionaire and mob boss, paid for and helped set up the Bugle wikipedia page. He has been friends with John Oliver ever since John rescued him from a sinking battleship (the USS Nightingale) near the Canary Isles on November 14, 1992. Mr. Gates tries to spend at least ten hours a week with John and considers him to be his quasi-British guardian angel. *Both John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman are skilled poets, specialising in iambic pentameter. Zaltzman frequently switches to trochaic foot, while Oliver is known to throw meter out the window entirely, except when plagiarising early '90s rap artists. * Chuck Norris is scared of John Oliver. * Andy Zaltzman was recently named president of Moldova on finding out Andy said "It is an honour to be named president of such a great nation and in honour of my election to office I will rename this country Rhodesia". Shocked and dismayed the Moldovan people revolted and Andy was removed from power and the Moldovan cricket team were executed. * The Bugle has been named as the 21st centuries awnser to the bible by Pope Benedict the sixteenth * John Oliver is the basis of the character snake in Metal Gear Solid after several successful missions in the former eastern bloc * Andy Zaltzman is rumoured to be the lovechild of Margaret Thatcher and John Rambo * John Oliver is rumoured to have been one of the backers of an imperialist coup in Zaire * Andy Zaltzman is rumoured to have been crafted out of rock by a spiteful god, which explains Andy’s poor bowling abilities * John Oliver is the basis for the character uncle Monty in the cult comedy Withnail and I after coming on to the writer * John Oliver is rumoured to have groped former education secretary Ruth Kelly * Andy Zaltzman is rumoured to be the real father of Jesus after Mary reportedly had a one night stand with Mr Zaltzman in a hot night in Nazareth * John Oliver is rumoured to be Morrisey dressed up as Groucho Marx * The Bugle is now banned in Ireland after making fun of the Catholic Church * Andrew Zaltzman is the 13th son of an impoverished farmer family in Jutland in western Denmark. He trained as a carpenter and started making wooden toys in 1992 to make a living after having lost his job due to depression. * The Bugle is an electric powered vacuum attachment made for cutting hair invented by London carpenter Andy Zaltzman in the late 1980s. The product is touted as being capable of performing "hundreds of precision layered haircuts". * As his home planet was exploding, Andy Zaltzman's father, a prominent scientist, loaded him into a wheelie bin and sent him off into space. Andy landed on Earth and was adopted by a young Jewish couple. As he grew up he discovered that Earths yellow sun gave him enhanced satirical powers and an unhealthy obsession with cricket. * Following successful acceptance into the Special Boat Service (SBS) in 1983, John Oliver (aka Brian "Soapdish" McFerris) saw lengthy action behind enemy lines in Northern Ireland during the troubles. While battling the IRA, John took the time to open several RNLI lifeboat stations. John's current mission is to infiltrate US borders by any means possible and gather intelligence of American operations. Currently under the cover of a British comedian, John is on the verge of calling an end to the mission after going on record as saying, "There is no intelligence to be found anywhere in America". This being his last mission in the SBS, John is now looking at a new life as a hermit. * Andy is actually an amazing stringless puppet. He has an unhealthy obsession with lying and does everything he can to discourage truth telling of any kind (hence the existence of this page). Until he gets over this pathological obsession with misinformation he will never become a real boy and risks one day waking up with donkey’s ears and a tail. He also for some reason constantly refers to the sport of cricket when faced with moral decisions. *Andy Zaltzman fancies himself an excellent source of protein. John Oliver has been overheard many times confirming that Zaltzman indeed contains far more than the daily recommended allowance of vitamins and minerals, particularly Vitamin D and Magnesium. * Every edition of The Bugle (excluding issues 6 and 21A) is exactly 11 minutes long, though it always shows up in iTunes as 12 minutes long. A major bone of contention that is often discussed in the audio segment "eleven or twelve?" * Due to a childhood injury, John Oliver is unable to turn left. * John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman first met when both were professional wrestlers in the South Lancashire Regional Extreme Professional wrestling Federation. Zaltzman was already well established in the sport as 'Randy Andy Man of Steel' 48 time super featherweight champ when a young Oliver going by the name Johnasaurus Rex began his fighting career. The two met becoming instant friends and formed the most successful tag team South Lancashire had ever seen. Unfortunately tragedy struck as Andy fell to a serious pelvic injury sustained while doing his trademark celebration after beating his old rival George 'the impala' Clooney, which explains his hatred of the animal and the movie Oceans Eleven. After he was told he would never wrestle again Andy spiralled into depression spending weeks on a suicidal binge of heroin, alcohol and twenty20 cricket. John, concerned for his friend and lover, quit the bright lights of the Lancashire wrestling scene and coaxed his friend back to sobriety using their mutual love of satirical comedy, promising Andy that when he was clean they would have their very own political based comedy podcast. Andy using his passion for satire and love for John pulled himself together and the rest as they say is geography. *John Oliver is one of the hidden characters in the upcoming Mortal Kombat game. *Contrary to popular belief, Andy Zaltzman is not half zebra. He's more of a mule/goat mix. *Andy Zaltzman is an anagram of Baroque Quail. *John Oliver is an anagram of Cottage Pie. *The Bugle is an anagram of Billy Crystal. *While dying on stage at a gig, in an attempt to win over the audience, Andy bit the head off a bat. And spat it at a girl in the front row. * Andy Zaltzman is the only creature not to have a place in the Circle of Life. * John Oliver is set to play the Eleventh Incarnation of Doctor Who. * Andy Zaltzman wrote the song " I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor" and also did the drums. * The American is having an affair with a woman from Iraq, they know what they feels is wrong but they just don’t care, what they have is too beautiful. * Contrary to popular belief, Andy Zaltzman is not the narrator of Fight Club. * John Oliver is every member of the Weather Girls, and "It's Raining Men" originally was entitled "It's Raining Nightingale", purely on a dare from Andy Zaltzman. * Andy Zaltzman once did sold-out a singing tour of the British Isles under the stage name of "John Barrowman". * Andy Zaltzman can only read text held at a 45-degree angle from his mother's knee. * John Oliver founded Luxembourg while on a bender with his pals from the Bedford Youth Theatre. * It is impossible to see both John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman through the same mirror at the same time. * John Oliver plays Louise Summers in Hollyoaks and has also had a cameo in One Tree Hill. * Andy Zaltzman is credited with the idea of drinking water in 1937. Previously the human race had survived on milking pumas. * The Royal John Oliver Museum is on the third floor of the Empire State Building, next to the Starbucks. * The Bugle has an alcohol content of 8.7%. * John Oliver is the actual culprit behind the sinking of the USS Maine. Andy had cornered him the munitions storeroom with the printed copy of the Audio Cryptic Crossword and to escape this fate, John heroically destroyed the ship and both started the Spanish American War and saved the world from another clue. The lives lost in this conflict will not have been in vain so long as Andy does not resurrect the Audio Cryptic Crossword. * John Oliver consumes five human hearts and three solar flares each morning. When asked why, he remarked on the incredible amount of calories he burns each week recording the Bugle while swimming laps across the Pacific Ocean. * Bugling will be featured as a new Olympic sport in 2012. Unfortunately, Andy Zaltzman will be unable to attend because of a pressing engagement: the pope intends to take Andy hostage and fry his home planet of Tupper with a laser if he does not disclose the location of John Oliver. Interestingly enough, John expects to spend that same day deep under the surface of the Earth, playing chess-boxing at the secret base of the mole-people. * On August 31st, Sarah Palin admitted that the Bugle is her favourite aphrodisiac. She often listens to it while aerial hunting abortion doctors. She also admitted her plans to trade John Oliver with Andy Zaltzman once she is President. (You know what happens when US VPs hunt). * After criticizing Will Ferrell's Chelsea FC jersey, Chelsea fans all around the world have placed a price for his head, so it can be used as a the official Chelsea mascot, and whenever Chelsea wins a game, beer will be drank from his head, and when a goal is scored, his lifeless body will be hoisted as a banner of triumph. * Some say Andy Zaltzman once invented a time machine just for the purpose of going to see Florence Nightingale (if you know what i mean) * John Oliver recently hired Flavor Flav as his bodyguard. * Andy Zaltzman is Flavor Flav!!!!!!! * Former president Jimmy Carter has been trying to get an interview with John Oliver for two years now. Many times he has spotted Oliver in a crowd and chased after him, only to lose sight of him at the last moment. * Andy Zaltzman is actual the bastard son of an cheap Impala hooker and Hitler. The reason he hates Impalas is his mother left him for dead in Brooklyn. KM * Popular 1990’s VHS hit The Shawkshank Redemption is based on Andy Zaltzman’s time spent in Pentonville prison for the double homicide of his estranged wife Lauren Bacall and golf pro Gary Player. * Tennis champion Pat Cash once referred to John Oliver as his fifth favourite character in Chinese puppet theatre. * Episode 17 of the bugle can induce vomiting in up to 85% of all Hippos. * If While Listening to the Bugle you shout "BOOM!" Barack Obama has a mini orgasm. * Andy Zaltzman has published several books in which he puts forward a rival theory to mathematics, which he calls "Audiomatics". He has since awarded them several Andy Zaltzman Awards. * Every time you open a ring-pull can, John Oliver's hair grows an inch. * Andy Zaltzman taught Jimi Hendrix how to play guitar or as Andy calls is "peeyowking-a-ding-ying-ing" * Carly Simon's famous song "You're So Vain" is about John Oliver. * Sir Mixalot's famous song "Baby Got Back" is about Andy Zaltzman. * Andy Zaltzman has been linked with a big-money move to Manchester City FC as part of the club's Saudi revolution. * John Oliver sang 'It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time' as he shot down Ghandi in cold-blood. * The logo for the London 2012 Olympics is based on an artist's impression of Andy's aura. * Scientists have recently discovered a new amino acid called Bugline. This particular amino acid causes misfolding of proteins in the brain, and results in sufferers hallucinating that they listen to a hilarious podcast every Monday, which features two entirely fictional British comedians. * John Oliver has a secret obsession with the letter 'P,' which began after a short layover in San Diego, Calif. * John Oliver can crush walnuts with his ass cheeks...just don't try his spiced nuts at the Christmas party. * Andy Zaltzman has patented the Pot Luck Disco, yet to be introduced commercially, a revolutionary disco where some of the tiles on the dance floor are randomly mined. * In a secret group therapy session, John and Andy were asked to write their pet peeves about each other on paper plates. John wrote "When Andy drinks mead out of a goat skull" and Andy wrote "John's penchant for pooping on the furniture". * Next fall, John Oliver will pose as a Yale undergraduate solely for the purpose of being taught by Tony Blair. * When he is not writing jokes, Andy Zaltzman is stroking a white cat biding his time until the United Nations drops its nuclear sanctions against him. * John Oliver is really in the United States because the British government has labelled him dangerous, due to his paranoid hallucinations and obsessive compulsive Catholicism when within close proximity to the Pope. "The further John is from the Vatican, the safer for us all," one official says. * Unbeknownst to him, Andy's old trash bin has been secretly replaced by another and relocated to a small island off the coast of Canada. It claims that it "lives in fear, while that trash-generating, cricket-crazed, clingy madman is still searching for me. Oh dear Lord! I can hear his tread upon the doorstep! Don't let him in! I'm too young to die!" A restraining order is pending. * In his spare time, John Oliver enjoys eating pretzels, clubbing baby seals and burning the crossword page of the New York Times. * John Oliver is known for his bad temper. In fact, his anger often takes the form of a hurricane. In 2005 he ravaged the city of New Orleans because he'd recently been on vacation there and experienced poor service at a French Quarter eatery. Most recently, John inexplicably boiled over with rage and formed Hurricane Gustav, which has left thousands in the Louisiana area without power. At the moment, the reason for John's anger is unexplained. It may or may not have something to do with Fernando Torres' recent hamstring injury. * John Oliver's first words were "destwoy! destwoy!". * Andy Zaltzman spent most of his early life as a masked vigilante, providing Alan Moore with the inspiration for Rorsach in his magnum opus "Watchmen". * It is no coincidence that John & Andy work together on the bugle: when the words 'John', 'Andy' and 'Bugle' are encrypted into the Mayan numeric system they represent the day, month and year of the end of the universe (23rd September 2008). This date is the most sacred to the Mayan people celebrating the return of the beast of creation who will consume the universe in a ball of raging satire. * Andy Zaltzman collects ears. Queen Elizabeth II was told about this by a heckler at one of her hilarious comedy gigs in 2001, and since then she has been anonymously donating one a year to Andy's collection, every Bugle Day (15th October). * A photo of Andy Zaltzman was the concept art for Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker in The Dark Knight. (Actually this may not be a lie) * John Oliver can safely bend a squirrel's spine into any shape he chooses with his bare hands. * Unbeknownst to either presenter, John Oliver is the love child of Hugo "crackers from Caracas" Chavez and Eva "Evita" Peron, and the Bugle is in fact secretly funded by rogue elements of the Venezuelan and Uzbek governments. * Andy Zaltzman was the inspiration for the series and movie "Akira" after he went on a telekinetic rampage through London after a cricket game was cancelled. * John and Andy were recently invited on a quail-hunting trip with Dick Cheney. * John and Andy met at a hot dog eating tournament four years ago, they were both competing head to head, (being the only ones to successfully down 46 hot dogs!) until someone in the crowd, turned on their radio. It just so happened that President Bush was giving a speech at the time, and it came through the radio speakers... This prompted Johns reflex of repeatedly banging his head on the table incapacitating him near immediately. Andy took this opportunity to wolf down 3 more hot dogs winning the competition earning him a 20 dollar gift card to any purchase of 200 dollars or more at his local Wal-Mart. John and Andy became friends soon after but John secretly holds a grudge, feeling that he should have won the competition, in the solitude of his own home John vowed revenge. John is eagerly awaiting the moment in which he can finally slip something into Andy's tea and once again reclaim the title of "Hot Dog Eating Champion" *John Oliver once had an orgasm so thunderous and fiercely intense, it shattered the sound barrier and sunk a small city. That city? Atlantis. *Andy, due to a hearing defect caused at birth, hears everything in German. As Andy does not know German, he must translate it to Zulu, another language he does not know. From Zulu, it is translated to Swahili (Another unknown language) and finally into English. This causes Andy to occasionally completely misunderstand questions asked of him. The most notable of these occasions was when Andy was the British Ambassador to the USSR, and misheard Gorbachev's question of "Do you want some Tea" as "Do you think I should put in place a series of policies named Perestroika and Glasnost, and possibly another when I think of it, because it would be a good thing for the USSR?". Naturally, Andy said no. To this day, he still dreams of that elusive cup of tea. * John Oliver is most famous for tricking Bill Roberto, a small, old, mean tempered welsh man into playing him in a game of chance that Bill clearly had no hope of winning. Although, John did not claim the wager of 2 groats and a hollowed out parsnip. Bill's facade of authority and power was shattered, and the townsfolk who watched the competition with awe and confusion reduced Bill to a local figure of ridicule. *The Bugle was nearly pulled off air in 1786 after it was found to induce osmosis in miners. * John Oliver has previously had a number of aliases including Jordan the giant Jay eater of the Mid-West, Sigourney the Syndicator and most famously Martina the womble worrier. The latter being the most unusual as John has a morbid fear of womble's after the famous Top Of The Pops incident in 1984. * Once, when he was very small, John Oliver was visited in a dream by Chuck Norris himself. Though the contents of the dream are unknown, immediately afterwards John started preaching the word ("orang-utan") of satire and biting sarcasm. Andy was once visited in a dream by a rabid woodchuck, and now winces whenever someone mentions the words "beaver", "chainsaw", "toothpick", or "lorry." * Listening to the bugle during sex is illegal in every country on Earth except from Moldova due to the possibility of ecstasy related head explosion syndrome. Moldova has seen this as a useful solution to its overpopulation problems. * Neither Andy, nor John has any fingers left. They both lost them in simultaneous but apparently unrelated incidents involving cats, mayonnaise, a DVD case, three copies of "Oranges Aren't The Only Fruit" and a 9 Volt battery. Much speculation exists as to the level of coincidence required for this occurrence, but Andy and John remain tight lipped over the incidents. They both employ a team of highly trained marmosets to type everything they say. * RaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRaRa not my words but John Oliver’s while drunkenly slating Andy for his terrible Sarah Palin impersonation * John Oliver can predict all of the 6 o'clock news's headlines at five minutes to 6, from any news service in any time zone. Andy does not believe him. * The American was once caught reading a book, but claims that this was only for the purposes of "research". * While it is known that John is of samurai descent, fewer people know that Andy is of ninja descent. Andy stills retains his family ninja skills and always uses them to sneak out during passover dinner and reappear in Elijah's chair to shock his family. * Many people see John Oliver as the second coming of Jesus H. Christ and Andy Zaltzman as Judas. * Andy Zaltzman is based on the cartoon character Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo. and indeed incorporated into Andy's humorous wig is the ability for it to house a miniature rock band, which pops out and sings a poorly translated ballad at poignant moments. * Andy Zaltzman was killed by General Franco during a celebrity wrestling match in 1956. His parts in the Bugle have been cut together from old footage of his voice. * John Oliver was recently hounded through the Bronx by a herd of angry impala that mistook him for Andy Zaltzman, wrongly assuming him to be the Jewish one. * "Bugle" is a substance that can only be created by combining John Oliver's spit with Andy Zaltzman's brain fluid. * John Oliver has never ever eaten lasagne. * The name 'Zaltzman' is ancient Greek for 'Bad Jew'. Andy Zaltzman coincidently, is notoriously poor at Judaism. * John Oliver MBE (born 8 December 19661 in Paddington, London) is a former English footballer. He is best known for his time at Queens Park Rangers, Newcastle United and Tottenham Hotspur during which period his powerful and elegant centre forward play and ability in the air resulted in a number of appearances for England. He became the first player to score for 6 different Premier League clubs. He is the cousin of current Premiership players Rio and Anton Ferdinand and his son Aaron currently plays for Harrow Borough in the Isthmian League. Popularly nicknamed Sir Les, he was made an MBE in the 2005 Queen's Birthday Honours List. * The Bugle, contrary to popular belief, is not a weekly news podcast; it is two trained books-on-tape voice actors dictating prophetic literary works written in 3,000 BC in Ancient Samaria that have predicted modern week-to-week news with stunning accuracy and relevant witticism. * John Oliver is a mammal in the order Carnivora. It is the sole surviving member of the family Odobenidae, one of three lineages in the suborder Pinnipedia along with true seals (Phocidae), and eared seals (Otariidae). It primarily lives in the high branches of the arboreal forest, subsisting on pencils and other office supplies. *Andy Zoltsman spells his name incorrectly. * The name of the show 'The Bugle' is derived from the ancient Greek patron saint of news, Saint Bugulus who died during the olympic cow juggling contest. Cow juggling being the main choice of media to distribute news, with the complicated patterns of airborne cows being interpreted by news hounds throughout Greece * John was raised by woolly mammoths in the frozen wastelands of North Dakota. Andy Zaltzman discovered him on one of his many sabre-tooth hunting expeditions, bringing him back to civilization and teaching him the ways of the British. However, John began to suffer homesickness and separation anxiety, since he missed his little penguin friends. Andy allowed him to move to New York so that he could more easily keep in touch with his original family. They all plan to move to England during the next Ice Age. * John is not really broadcasting his half of the Bugle from the USA, his hidden location is part of an elaborate scheme to assassinate Margret Thatcher and thus make her eligible to be a 'Hottie From History'. *During WWII, John was extremely torn between the United States and Japan, due to his samurai ancestry. He ran away to England to escape the decision, but if you look closely at pictures of him in his military uniform, it is obvious to tell he is wearing his favorite samurai sword. *Andy Zaltzman was born bald and was thought to be Benito Mussolini. Ever since he's worn that ridiculous wig. *Andy Zaltzman is a rare retrovirus that, inserted into a mouse’s biceps, causes the mouse to grow an extra set of legs. These six-legged mice also develop a keen aversion to checkerboards and anything else that resembles a crossword board. Incidentally, the John Oliver bacterium causes these mice to squeak “BOOM!” in a high-pitched and barely audible voice whenever they here someone make a joke about John McCain. Also, the mice glow after being exposed to UV radiation. * In Episode 44 John Oliver admits that he was broadcasting while naked in bed. What he failed to mention is that he was that also in his bed was 2 hijras, 3 she-males, a goat, a dwarf and Rob Riggle. (Go John!) * John Oliver was born Hymie Rabinowitz * Andy Zaltzman is a notoriously bad bodyguard. His more famous clients include Gandhi, JFK, Archduke Franz Ferdinand, and Julius Caesar * John Oliver was once one of the most renowned seducteurs in the world and was used as the basis for James Bond by his old friend Ian Fleming. John felt so betrayed by this plagiarism that he has never used his charms again. * Andy Zaltzman kills the 0.01% of bacteria that Dettol doesn't. * Andy Zaltzman's face is made out of highly malleable plasticine which melts whenever he is cooking. This is the secret ingredient to his famous Carbonara. * Andy Zaltzman originally named his daughter after the former Kent Cricket Captain Colin Cowdrey, before his wife insisted that she be named after a rugby player instead. Andy settled for a compromise and is looking forward to the day when little Muttiah Johnny Muralitharan-Zaltzman first goes to school. * John Oliver and Andy Zaltzman count as one of your five a day. * John Oliver was a long time member of the Alaska Independance Party until it was revealed that he was the president North American Moose Bugler Love Association, or NAMBLA as it is popularly known. * John Oliver has been cast as "Guy Watching" in every pornographic film he's auditioned for. * Hotties from the Future was a weekly segment in Florence Nightingale's 1853 Crimean War podcast. The only stipulation was the nominees must not have been born yet. John Oliver was voted Mr. February, a fact that makes Andy jealous to this day. * John Oliver once drew a triangle whose angles added up to 217 degrees. * Andy Zaltzman is fatally allergic to gas giant Jupiter and counts himself lucky he has never been there. * John and Andy agree on a safeword to use when the Hotties from History section gets out of control. Their current safeword is casserole. * The Bugle suffers from Zollinger-Ellison Syndrome, a rare disease that causes pancreatic tumours. * During the Republican National Convention, John Oliver disguised himself as a moose in order to get Sarah Palin to confess her plans for world domination. Assuming the plan was a success, John will now be tweaking her ideas in order to create his own plan for world domination. * John Oliver is the secret father of Trig Palin. * John Oliver has a raging rash from that moose costume he wore for four days in St. Paul. The doctors say it is not fatal, but may be a chronic condition.